Normally the 'Fun with Ebay' portion of RB is reserved for the more ridiculous offerings found on the auction site. Tonight is different. (That is, if you don't find a $1.5 million Maserati located in the UAE ridiculous.)
Dubbed the ultimate track day car, one would suspect this could, indeed, blow the floss right from any dentist who dares challenge it at a weekend lapping event. To put this into perspective, the reported price of Directv's 'Presenting Sponsor' deal with the IndyCar series is $3 million annually. So, in theory, the IndyCar Series could be brought to you by two Maserati Mc12 Corsa's instead a dish made for people who have no concept that cable works just fine. Think about it.
More information is surfacing about Danica Patrick's plane ride from Japan to California following her victory at Motegi two weeks ago. The Indy Star's Curt Cavin first reported that Patrick hit the sake rather hard during the transcontinental flight. Cavin adds more to the story today, reporting that Patrick was joined on the (commercial) flight by Scott Dixon and Scott Wheldon -- and their spouses, all hoisting many a sake-bombs. This activity had to be halted by the stewardesses as too much fun was being imbibed. (Yes, like a sorority girl at TGI Friday's on her 21st, the finest in open wheel racing had to be cut-off.)
While winning the Super Bowl may have alluded the playmaker of late, the moderately-ghetto New England wideout has decided he needs a NASCAR team.
No driver or manufacturer have been announced, but hopefully this deal lasts a bit longer than Carmelo Anthony's short-lived Indycar outfit. ('Melo's deal with Hemelgarn Racing lasted about a week.) Reports say Moss Motorsports, LLC should have a NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series entry for later this season and run a full schedule in 2009.
F1 bosses met during the Spanish GP weekend to discuss the possible adaptation of kinetic energy recovery systems (just Wikipedia it). Instead of an in-depth discourse on boring-old abstract technical matters, the conversation reportedly just digressed into a Max Mosley debate of epic proportions. Someone inside that meeting told Reuters that a proposal for a united petition calling on Mosley to quit failed after reluctance from Williams, Toro Rosso and Ferrari. Clearly those teams hate Jews.
-NASCAR went restrictor-plate racing in the Alabama. Kyle Busch won the Cup race (making RB'ers-Hendrick runaway prediction seem silly and misguided). Results. Quality performances were turned in by Juan Pablo Montoya (2), David Ragan (4), Brian Vickers (5), Travis Kvapil (6), and Robby Gordon (11).
The Nationwide Series saw Tony Stewart take victory for the first time in Bama. The big one was caused by Kevin Lepage. (Yes, he is still racing). Results.
The fun starts at about the 1:05 mark:
Well done, Kevin.
- The IndyCar Series was in Kansas City (Kansas, not Missouri), where Dan Wheldon won. The Brit bested Tony Kanaan and Scott Dixon. Results. Marty Roth's weekend ran the gamut of surprising to typical. His pit lane blunder was truly something to behold:
Keep on keeping on, Marty. *We fully expect this video to be removed by the end of the day. Enjoy it while you can.
-The F1 circus invaded Spain, where Ferrari spoiled the show. KimiRäikkönen and Felipe Massa went one-two. Fernando Alonso gave the crowd a collective hometown hard-on by qualifying p2. He finished 15, 32-laps down (hard-on gone). The second best shunt of the weekend went to HeikkiKovalainen, he had to be airlifted from the circuit, but is alright. Feel free to attempt to Youtube the wreck, but the F1 higher-ups are pretty quick to remove the "protected" video content. Fags.
-Scott Pruett and Memo Rojas extended their Grand-Am Rolex Sport Car Series lead with a victory at VIR. Read about it. I didn't watch it. Robin Liddell and Andrew Davis took GT honors in a their Pontiac GXP.R.
- Ashley Force beat her old man to become the first broad to ever win a Funny Car event. She retains the points lead. Antron Brown won Top Fuel. It was Mike Edwards in Pro Stock, and Andrew Hines in Pro Stock Bike. Atlanta Results.
-And drumroll... The biggest shunt of the weekend award goes to StephaneOrtelli in Monza during the LSM event. Btw, that is Allan McNish who drives under the airborne ORECA Courage. Ortelli is pretty lucky to have only a broken ankle.
This would be called a digression.... Marty Roth impressed the masses with his p7 qualifying run for today's Kansas race. It so impressed this humble-observer, the following love-fest post was scribed. Roth was gridded ahead of a host of big name teams and drivers (including both Penske entries). This was going to be a breakout performance for the middle-aged Canuck.
Then came the race.
The highpoint of Roth's open-wheel career was short lived as he managed to hit everything minus the lottery in his first trip down pit lane. Roth did a quarter-spin while attempting to get into his pit stall, where he made contact with a Luczo Dragon Racing crew member. (The nose of Roth's car attempted some rear-entry on the poor crewman, something likely illegal in the state of Kansas). Then, after begin held until service was complete on Tomas Scheckter's car, Roth ran over the foot of another Luczo guy. Roth finished 26th, retiring after 41 laps with the ever ambiguous "handling-issues."
Habitual back-marker and joke-butt Marty Roth has qualified seventh for tomorrow's IndyCar event in Kansas. The following drivers were all slower than Roth after four-laps of flying circulations of the Kansas Speedway:
Helio Castroneves Ryan Briscoe Vitor Meira Tony Kanaan Marco Andretti Ryan Hunter-Reay
Perhaps Dan Wheldon summed up the Roth performance best when laid the following gem on Racer Magazines' Jeff Olson:
“I’m sure that’s going to piss off Chip (Ganassi), because (Roth) hasn’t spent half of what Chip has,” Wheldon joked. “Why he was that quick, I have no idea, but good for him.”
Cheers to you Marty. Don't take any guff from these bastards.
Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.
This week:Talladega. The third most interesting place/event in the state of Alabama... (#1: Space Camp. Why? If you have to ask 'why', you wouldn't understand. And, yes, they do offer programs for adults. #2: The GMAC Bowl. Why? C-USA athletics are the balls, that's why.)
TV: Fox 1:00pm EST (Sunday) Location:TalladegaSuperspeedway (Talladega, AL) Distance: 499 miles/188 laps 2007 winners: J. Gordon (spring race); J. Gordon (fall race).
*A note on scheduling*
The meat of the NASCAR season has commenced. I hope you enjoyed last weekend's little Cup- siesta, because you're not getting another weekend off until the middle of the summer. There are 11 Cup races in the next 12 weeks. The next off-weekend is the weekend of July 18th. July 18th!? It's currently fucking April. What kind of sick sport would device such a schedule? Clearly this is the work of a cruel scheduling-bastard, hell bent on sucking the marrow from reasonable racing fans. To Follow NASCAR at this point in the season is a full time job (granted, one that requires a wifebeater instead of a suit and a Ward Burton mini-cooler instead of briefcase, but a job nonetheless). No man this side of Mike Joy can follow the series with any degree of regularity or depth do to its sheer length.
After the July 18th off-week, the season concludes with 17 consecutive race weekends. That span goes from the end of July until the Homestead finale in mid-November. I'll spare you the burden of addition and tell you that equates to 28 races in 29 weeks. Fuck me.
Some sports have pretty crazy schedules. But, the difference between motor racing and, say, the MLB is that baseball is a sport that needs to be played daily. Baseball players need daily games to find rhythm at the plate and to further perfect their Skoal skills. Games need to be played everyday so drunken businessmen have an outlet to imbibe at noon on a Tuesday. Stock car racing is not baseball. While races happen every weekend instead of daily, the effort needed to transport teams, cars, and personnel to any number of tracks across the country makes the task of staging a weekly NASCAR event more daunting than anything the MLB scheduling folks could fathom.
But, enough stick-and-ball comparisons. If you want more on those activities take solace that MLB team's have 130 more games this season, and the NBA Playoffs will continue until sometime in December.
On to racing.
*What to know:
Talladega is big. Like Daytona (only other restrictor-plate track on circuit), Talladega features racing that looks more like a single clump of advertisement-laden drones circulating at something far less than terminal velocity than actual closed-circuit racing. Many people hate this form of racing. Alas, the criticisms of restrictor-plate racing have been discussed ad nauseam and to the point of cliche. There is no point to further trash the institution as NASCAR will never modify their stance on the devices. Just brace for the "big one" and enjoy the ride.
*It was a wreck at Talladega that caused NASCAR to implement restrictor-plates at the Alabama track and Daytona. The thought of a 200+mph stock car traveling into the grandstands was a bit too much for NASCAR. Witness Bobby Allison in 1987:
The most successful team owner in terms of victories at Talladega is Rick Hendrick. The man has 10 victories at the uberspeedway. I would like to say there is a chance for other teams to post a 'w' in Bama, but that would be a lie and it's illegal to lie on the internet. If a car owned by anyone other than Rick Hendrick wins on Sunday I will personally fight a lion. Barehanded. Also, the car that is leading with 10-laps remaining will not win this race. That is really all you need to know. Here, I'll put that information into easy-to-read bullet points:
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: The odds-on favorite to win Sunday and break his winless streak as it approaches two years. Sunday's race is the 300th Cup series start for Junior. His record at restrictor-plate events is pretty damn impressive (five wins, seven top-fives and nine top-tens). His first point-paying win for Hendrick has to come soon, and Talladega seems like a logical choice to bust through the proverbial hymen of victory lane. He is also third in points and is coming off of a P7 in Phoenix.
Jeff Gordon: Like Earnhardt, Gordon is still looking for his first win of season. Like Earnhardt, Gordon is the balls at Talladega. He has the most wins (6) of any active driver in Bama, plus swept last season's 'dega races. His average 'dega finish is inside the top-15 (that is since 1993, mind you). There is no reason why Gordon will not be near the front for the duration of Sunday.
Carl Edwards: Call him the best of the rest. Since Edwards is not in a Hendrick-mount this weekend, he will not win. But, only having two drivers in the 'Who to Watch' portion of the preview is quite homosexual. In the spring race of 2005 Edwards had posted a fifth place finish. That is about the extent of his success at the big track. He finished forth last race and leads this season's win tally with three. If this was Las Vegas, Edwards would be the strongest of the "field" bets. But, if this was Las Vegas, you'd also be getting blown by a hooker you met outside of the Tropicana right now. This is definitely not Las Vegas.
*Dark Horse:
Ryan Newman: The easy pick for a dark horse is Ryan Newman. I like taking the easy way out. He won the only other restrictor-plate race of the season, plus had top-10s in both Talladega races last year. He has been the class of the field this season for Dodge, and sits 12th in points. Enjoy the horse, Ryan.
*For those heading to the track:
Talladega is something of a Mecca for those folks who hold tailgating in a high regard. The 'dega infield is so expansive that the campgrounds therein can accommodate roughly the same number of people that reside in the entire state at any given time. Booze, orgies and novelty beads are all hot commodities. A first hand account of Talladega debauchery can be found here. The campgrounds open on Tuesday of race week and don't close until the next Monday. That is six full days of pregaming. My god, Rick James would be hard-pressed to sustain the party for that duration (you know, if he wasn't already dead). The most shocking (horrifying) aspect of the infield experience is the cost. There is none. If you have a ticket to Sunday's race, you can live at the track for an entire week. This means the mechanism in place to keep grifters, gypsies and other societal-drains out of legitimate sporting events has been removed. God help you. Any race week that occurs without a declared marshal-law is almost unheard of. Further track regulations (if you can call a complete free-for-all 'regulations') are here.
*Series points:
1 JEFF BURTON 2 KYLE BUSCH 3 DALE EARNHARDT, JR 4 JIMMIE JOHNSON 5 KEVIN HARVICK 6 DENNY HAMLIN 7 TONY STEWART 8 CLINT BOWYER 9 CARL EDWARDS 10 GREG BIFFLE 11 KASEY KAHNE 12 RYAN NEWMAN
Tales of Team Australia's Craig Gore and his unscrupulous business practices have been widely reported. RACER Magazine's David Malsher is the most recent to outline the cluster-fucked relationship between Gore and Derrick Walker in a speedtv.com piece. The root of the dispute between the two is $2.5 million Walker says Gore owes his team from last season. Gore disagrees and litigation is now on the horizon. Regardless of who owes who what, Walker has no IndyCar Series entry, which is a bloody shame.
Folks might recall a Robin Miller Wind Tunnel-interview where he referred to Gore as "the criminal element" of motorsports (the video, once displayed on speedtv.com, was strangely removed after a matter of days). Miller also referenced a website ("moreongore.com") where Gore's sketchy past is outlined. Unfortunately, moreongore.com is not a website.
But, moreongore.blogspot.com is a site! (Blogspot, represent.) The site goes back to Gore's involvement with the Australian Vee Eight Supercar Company and is a tale on deceit and lies. It's the motor racing equivalent of LA Confidential, but with less murder and boobs.
In the spirit of fair and equal time, here is the Gore-issued statement outlining his side of the Walker debacle. It's less entertaining. It's the motor racing equivalent of Babe: Pig in the City, but with less James Cromwell.
ESPN's Marty Smith has reported that Tony Stewart is trying to opt out of the final year of his contract with Joe Gibbs Racing. His current deal is set to expire at the end of the 2009 season, but Stew reportedly wants released after the conclusion of this year.
Stewart Joins Nazi fetish-enthusiast Max Mosley, who recently said he plans to leave his FIA post after his term expires in 2009.
So... Mosley wants to stick around until his deal expires. And Stewart wants to cut out early, but both have 2009 marked as when they want to enact their respective changes.
Maybe Joe Gibbs and the FIA should just arrange a trade. Mosley to the Home Depot Toyota, Stewart to La Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile. We're not sure how Mosley's car would look painted in Home Depot Orange.
You know a motor racing story needs to have real legs to be featured on ESPN's First Take. Danica Patrick's victory at Motegi is apparently such a story, as she held court with ESPN's Dana Jacobson Monday morning:
The IndyStar'sCurt Cavin reported that Patrick got shitty on sake during the flight from Japan to Long Beach. Jacobson would surely approve of such activity as her thirst for the hooch is widely recognized as legendary.
Hey, so long as it prevents Skip Bayless from trying to speak about motor racing, Jacobson can say and drink whatever she wishes.
Get your hair products and spray-on tan ready... The Garden State is about to be home to a world class road racing facility. The New Jersey Motorsports Park is set to open this summer, with a full slate of spectator events (including the ARCA RE/MAX Series and Grand-Am Rolex Sports Car Series) ready for public consumption.
Aside from the different "big" track configurations, NJMP will have a karting facility up and running by midsummer, plus many opportunities to search for Jimmy Hoffa's body throughout the infield.
And speaking of new road courses in places that would suck to live, ESPN's Ryan McGee tells of a project in the works for the boondocks of North Carolina.
The IndyStar.com puts Danica Patrick's Japan victory in perspective with following headline-picture combo from a Curt Cavin article.
Danica Patrick's win 'going to be . . . remembered'
Let us play count the Asians. I got 14.
Perhaps the headline should have read, Danica Patrick's win 'going to be... remembered' by a handful of locals and two dozen sad statesiders watching an obscure cable network late at night.
What you missed while considering the addition of Frank Thomas to your fantasy baseball team.
The IRL IndyCar Series received the PR-coup they have waited for since Danica Patrick signed with a top-flight team. Mrs. Patrick won a race. In Japan. Televised on ESPN Classic. That aired at 10 PM EST on a Saturday. Ideal? No. Good for IndyCar? You bet. Unfortunately, more people tuned in to Classic'scoverage of the 2002 Professional Bullriders Association World Finals that aired after the race. Eight seconds of pure excitement.
Will Power took the Champ Car Finale in the LBC. Alex Tagliani was in the top-three for much of the afternoon, only to be relegated to a seventh place finish for Derrick Walker. An unfortunate outcome for a team who wanted nothing more than to spur the Aussie Vineyards group that left him sans sponsorship two weeks before the season started. Oh well.
The LBC was also host to the ALMS. Audi took 1-2 overall, beating the highly favored Porsche LMP2 cars. In fact, Porsche didn't even win their class (make that any class). David Brabham and Scott Sharp scored the first victory for Patron Highcroft Racing in LMP2. Johnny O’Connell and Jan Magnussen won GT1 in their Corvette, while Tafel Racing took GT2 honors with Dirk Mueller and Dominik Farnbacher in their Ferrari F430 GT.
The Toyota Pro/Celebrity Race was won by ESPN's Jamie Little. This again proves her supremacy over fellow-female pit reporter Brienne Pedigo. Little beat Mike Skinner. That is kinda impressive. I guess.
The NASCAR Nationwide Series had a road racing fiesta in Mexico City. Kyle Busch was able to hold off the road racing aces like Scott Pruett and Marcos Ambrose to take his third straight NNS win. Ambrose wrecked Boris Said. Boris got mad.
Also trying to avoid Montezuma's revenge in Mexico was the Grand American Rolex Series. Jim Matthews and Marc Goossens were able to best the Ganassi-duo of Pruett and Memo Rojas. In GT it was Andrew Davis and Robin Liddell in a Pontiac GXP.R taking maiden victory. Cheers to all of the above.
While making daily rounds through the internets to find the latest in motor racing hullabaloo (some broad in Motegi won a race, in case you hadn't heard), RB stumbled upon an updated bio picture for ESPN/NSSN reporter John Oreovicz. Pardon the small size, but Chris Hansen should still be notified. Immediately.
Looking forward to spending a gorgeous weekend cooped-up inside? Time to bust out your finest pair of sweatpants and make use of the elastic waist. East Coast bias dictates EST.
File the following sentence under the "things I didn't expect to type today" heading:
Since (for some unknown fucking reason) the Vatican is a member of the FIA, it will have a vote in the Orgygate no-confidence meeting to be held in Paris on June 3rd. Pope Benedict XVI's representative, Cardinal Renato Martino, will be in attendance to punch his ballot. The weirdness continues to get stupid.
Speedtv.com's man-on-the-street in the LBC is Marshall Pruett (no relation) and he happens to scribe a sportscar blog for said site. In Thursday's dispatch from the ALMS paddock he obtained an itemized list of expenditures following Primetime Racing's St. Pete shunt. The list shows the costs of repair done in the two weeks post-wreck to put their GT2 Viper back on track.
For a silly comparison, note that Ridebuyer's current track mount was less than the cost of two wheels for the Viper. Still wanna go racing?
6 people 12 hrs per day for 7 days that is 504 man hours average 40.00 per hr: $20,160.00 Entire light weight body minus the roof: $15,795.00 Paint and graphics: $3,000 1 set of BBS wheels: $4850.00 Brake components destroyed: $8500.00 Both rear axles: $1450.00 Suspension components destroyed: $6250.00 Chassis Repair: $7150.00 U-Haul for chassis to Dodge repair facility: $1700 1 set of tires: $2300.00 Both headlight assembly: $2250.00 Radiator: $850.00 Exhaust 1 side: $1800.00 Rear toe links: $441.00 2 shocks: $7100.00 Steering rack: $852.00 Front sway bar: $1150.00 Total: $85,598
The only thing cheap in Long Beach? Gin and tonic and chronic.
Keeping everyone abreast of the latest Max Mosley Nazi-orgy news is a full time job. Thank the lord there is a media outlet who has undertaken the daunting task of fueling the sadomasochist-fire created by the FIA Czar. Despite Mosley's attempts to stop News of the Worldfrom continuing the publication of videos, pictures and stories relating to his antisemitic hooker-laden romp through Chelsey, the London tabloid prevailed. NoW has some juicy updates.
Don't worry, Ridebuyer will stay on top of further Mosley-developments... By "stay on top of" we mean copy and paste images from other sites, of course. Enjoy.
In honor of Jimmy Vasser's Ali-like return to the cockpit for Sunday's Long Beach Grand Prix-and his admission to USA Today that cutting delicious adult beverages out of his diet has been the hardest part of prepping for the race- Ridebuyer would like to walk down memory lane. Rewind one year and recall Little Al's return to Indy sans libations. Two former-champs making returns to racing, stories that loosely involve drinking... Staggering similarities.
Ok, the two events are not really comparable as Unser was a self-described boozehound and Vasser just mentioned having some beers and wine (he owns a vineyard, for godsakes), but this a great opportunity to showcase the wonder that is the SI Vault. Yes, every SI article ever is available for free online. Holy Shit. Office productivity continues to plummet.
Jobs are a funny thing. Some people enjoy their work. They like going to an office, making copies, sending faxes and speaking in business-related acronyms to colleagues. These people largely suck. Their character-traits are about as interesting as the index to the yellow pages, and they hate things that most Americans hold dear (like malt-liquor, pornography and racially-insensitive jokes). Not only do these people enjoy cubicles and data-entry, they actually show prowess in these pursuits. They enjoy paper work and are good at it.
Other people hate their jobs and their performance reflects this attitude. What these people lack in motivation is made up for in humor and hangout-ability. Slackers are fun. They enjoy encased meats, booze and masturbation jokes. There is nothing to not love about underachievers. This sect of Americana can normally be found avoiding supervisors whilst slouched in cubicles, fucking up orders at any number of coffee houses nationwide, or just getting ripped and perfecting their latest DJ mix of the new Roots album.
The only downfall (if you could call it that) to slacking this that your career options are more limited. Passion and initiative are needed to obtain certain jobs. You can't just sign up to play professional baseball. You don't get issued a "CEO card" for watching DVDs of Blossom while stoned in your basement. You can't show up in court with a working knowledge of Law and Order: SVU and hope to be christened a lawyer.
Most people accept this as the outcome for their underachieving. Then there is the odd case of Brienne Pedigo.
The intrepid pit reporter for ABC/ESPN IndyCar Series' broadcasts may be the most untalented person to be given a mic since ESPN thought Chris Spielman could string together a coherent sentence. This season is Pedigo's second aimlessly wondering the pits of IndyCar events and, if anything, her skills behind the mic and ability to react to changing situations have retarded since last season. Anyone who was witness to the interview she conducted with Graham Rahal after his St. Pete victory knows the pain she can inflict. She is the broadcasting equivalent of shitting the bed. Whenever her voice is heard there has to be a collective "bold your breath" sentiment among those in the ABC/ESPN production truck. She is like an woefully ineffective closer in baseball. You know she is coming and there is no stopping it. You know she is going to get rocked. She does for racing coverage what Joe Borowski does for the Indians. Nothing. Brienne Pedigo is harder to watch than Schlinder's List.
Wow. That was strangely therapeutic.
With all that said, Brienne Pedigo should not be held responsible for her dismal performances during IndyCar coverage. Someone had to hire her. Right? This is the fault of the higher ups at ABC who think/thought she could do an adequate job spot reporting at a major motor race. Clearly the people who make hiring decisions inside the Disney media empire either don't require demo reels or just think anyone with tits must be qualified to report on racing. This is incredibly ignorant, plus does a huge disservice to the sport itself. Case in point, here is Brienne Pedigo's resume as posted on briennepedigo.com:
Experience: ESPN Pit Reporting: Indy Car Series USAC Pit Reporting: USAC Thunder on The Outdoor Channel CBS Sports: The NCAA Final Four-Man on the Street Reporter ESPN: PBA-segment writer Panther Racing: Timing and Scoring
Skills: Frank N. Magid training Live Reporting Broadcast Writing Production Background Interview skills (from Grammy nominees, to Indy 500 4-time Champion, to "Joe sports fan" on the street Knowledge of ENG equipment
Education: Graduated Cum Laude from New York University BFA in Theater/minor in Journalism
--Hard working --Goal-oriented --Sports enthusiast
How's that for some light reading? A theater background and USAC reporting is great, but from that to network coverage? Come on.
The IndyCar Series is trying to build a fan base and assert itself as relevant in a saturated sports market. Everyone involved in (any) sports coverage needs to be well versed in that sport and (for those on camera) have smooth delivery and the ability to be clear and concise. Pedigo lacks these characteristics and someone at ABC/ESPN should have been coherent enough to see this. Pedigo is an attractive woman, but so is Jamie Little, who is good. Little is proof that you can have sex appeal and have mic-skills above that of Corky from Life Goes On.
Pedigo's hiring would be like me getting hired to perform surgery. On camera. While wearing a firesuit. And talking about it...Man, that would be sweet. If only my father had once owned a successful "surgery-team" (we'll call that "surgery-team,"um... Panther Racing, for the hell of it) maybe this dream could come true.
Bless you Brienne, you are a role model to underachievers across the nation.- At least all those who graduated Cum Laude from NYU. Slacker.
Many-a-folk appear to be interested in running with the Nationwide Series in Mexico City. 48 entries have lined up to experience the pollution, random knifings and poop-inducing cuisine that make Mexico famous.
Set your DVR's for tonight's installment of NASCAR Now (5:30pm EST, ESPN2) for an in-depth discussion on NASCAR's latest vice: heroin. What happened to the good old days, when drivers had more simple and harmless dependencies (like homemade grain alcohol)?
For the record, there is no situation where DVR and NASCAR Now will ever appear in the same sentence again. Ever.
What you missed while watching The Masters and hoping for an Immelman- Tin Cup style meltdown. (Which never happened, for those not into golf.)
The Sprint Cup and Nationwide guys were both in the desert for night events. Kyle Busch continued his dominance of every support race he enters, with a win Friday night in the- pause for chuckle- Bashas' Supermarkets 200. Results.
Jimmie Johnson finally secured the first win of the year for Rick Hendrick, in the most entertaining Cup race of the season. The final green flag segment was a fuel-strategy pissing match between the top teams. Everybody stopped (under green) between 15 and 10 to go, excluding Johnson, who amassed a huge lead over the field. Kudos to whoever was directing the telecast for Fox Saturday night, as viewers were privy to Johnson's radio chatter with Chad Knaus (sample excerpt: Slow down, Jimmie. Slow down. Slow way down. We're not going to make it. Go three sec. a lap slower. No, we're really not going to make it.... We made it). It appeared Mark Martin had the car to beat throughout the last segment, which begs the question, why not gamble on fuel and stay out? He is not running for points, and should have ran the thing dry. (This is only being said because Martin was our dark horse pick in Ridebuyer's weekly NASCAR-preview, but still. Fuck that.) Results.
The NHRA guys and gals were in Vegas for the first time this season. Ashley Force made it to her second-stright Funny Car final (losing to Tim Wilkerson). She is now the first lady to ever lead the FC points standing. (John Force failed to qualify for eliminations.) Both Cory McClenathan (Top Fuel) and Jason Line (Pro Stock) took their first wins of the season. Results.
Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.
This week: Phoenix. The over/under on Subway Jared commericals... 27. I'll take the over. TV: Fox 8:00pm EST (Saturday night)
Location:Phoenix International Raceway (Phoenix, AZ)
Distance: 312 miles/312 laps (500 kilometers)
2007 Phoenix winners: J. Gordon (spring race); J. Johnson (fall race).
*What to know:
In honor of this week's race location (the desert), and the startling revelation that NASCAR drivers do heroin before races, Ridebuyer feels compelled to show a somewhat gratuitous Simpsons clip. Enter Homer Simpson and his freaky pepper-induced trip in the desert.
Let us hope that most drivers can stay clean during Saturday night's race. Drugs, darkness, and being surrounded by a barren wasteland is a deadly combination. Imagine Kyle Busch with a head full of drugs, blasting into turn-one nearing 160mph. The ramifications could be catastrophic.
Enough about NASCAR-guys pretending to be Robert Downey Jr. There is a serious motoring event to waged.
Saturday will be first points race of the season held in the evening. The race will start as the sun is still high in the sky, setting as laps progress, ending in full darkness. Successful teams will have to adapt as track conditions change. Qualifying has shown the speed of Dodge, with Ryan Newman taking the pole (the only highlight of his season since Daytona). But, don't expect him (or Dodge, for that matter) to finish where they start. Newman has amassed a staggering record of pole positions yet has the uncanny ability to find his way to the back in those events. Congrats on the 43rd career pole though.
Apart from dealing with lunar cycles, teams faces with very real possibility of being accosted by traveling bands of Mexican bandits while in the desert. These 'conquistadors' have been known to hijack team transporters, pilfer items from memorabilia trailers, kidnap gringos, and otherwise raise hell when NASCAR goes to the desert. Any team that keeps the brown gypsies at bay will stand an even money shot at finding victory lane come nightfall. Teams with proven bandit-fighting abilities are Hendrick Motorsports, DEI and Roush-Fenway Racing. Other outfits have been not so successful. No one can forget the great heist of 2003 when the Wood Brothers' pitbox was hitched-up to a conquistador mule and carted off of pit road. Glen Wood hasn't been seen since.
*Who to watch:
Dale Earnhardt Jr.:
Two wins at PIR (03, 04) and consistent finishes this season. Junior has three top-five finishes this season and sits forth in points. He has been the best running Hendrick car this year and will break through with a win sooner rather than later. His average finish at PIR is a bit misleading (at 19th) as he pulled in a 43rd in this event last season after wrecking to screw the pooch average wise. He starts Saturday's race 13th.
Kevin Harvick:
Harvick's record at PIR mirrors that of Earnhardt Jr. Harvick also sports two wins and three top-fives. He has shown more desert-consistancy than Junior, as Harvick's average finish is about 13th. In the last four races at PIR, Harvick has not finished outside of the top-ten. That's pretty damn impressive. Harvick starts mid-pack but should find his way to the front by mid race. Also, Richard Childress Racing has incredible luck dealing with the conquistadors. Two words: gold bartering.
Carl Edwards: Winning races cannot be discounted. Carl Edwards wins races. His consistency this season has been hit or miss, but no one will argue with three wins at this juncture in the year. Edwards has a finishing average of 14.7 this season, with four finishes in the top-10 (four top-10 finishes when three of those finishes come from wins = inconstant). Edwards is sitting tenth in the points, with two career top-fives at PIR. He starts third on Saturday night, and is the best hope for Ford in finding victory lane this weekend.
Dark Horse: Mark Martin: The old-guy has been quick at PIR this weekend, qualifying forth for DEI. Martin only has one Cup victory at PIR in his centuries of racing (that win came in 1993). But in 22 Cup starts at PIR, Martin has amassed an average finish of 9th. 9th, since 1988... Let that sink in. Martin was running in the top-10 at PIR when people were watching Punky Brewster. That is fucking crazy. Watch for him on Saturday.
*For those heading to the track:
PIR likes to be anal with the whole BYOB thing. They claim that state law prevents people from bringing cerveza into the stands. Nobody believes this. Here is your overtly-lame, blatantly homosexual tailgating info.
Unreserved RV parking is $40 per vehicle. Stop the damn presses and make room for my Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt-style RV. Sweet.
Following an illustrious list of stick and ball reporters who have condemned the institution of blogging, RACER Magazine's Jeff Olson, does his best impersonation of Rick Reilly, Stephen A. Smith, Jay Mariotti , et al. In Olson's recent article published on speedtv.com, he rips the hacks in the St. Pete media center for being unprofessional following Sunday's race. Clearly such behavior was the work of biased bloggers, who should be 86'ed from all further IndyCar credential opportunities (known as the Mark Cuban plan). Olson fumes:
Apparently this occupation is now open to anyone who can type with his or her knuckles, no education or experience required. No need for a degree or employment, just crown yourself a bloggist, start typing and apply for that credential.
Amazing how that works. If I tried to be a plumber with no experience or training, I’d get stomped by guys with pipe wrenches and exposed butt cracks. But any fool with a computer and a MySpace page can play journalist, and the rules of the business are no longer acknowledged (or even known).
Most blogs (motor racing and otherwise) are shit. This is not deniable. But, the IndyCar Series is not the NBA or MLB. Those leagues have "fans" and mainstream media coverage. As soon as the IndyCar Series gets those two elements (outside of Indy in May) maybe, just maybe, their media-relation folks can be choosy with press passes. Until that happens, credentials should be issued to every man, women and derelict with a MySpace account who shows any interest. Yes, Bums with typewritters need press passes. (Even if only to raid the food line and pen 50 words about the race to post on a YMCA wall.)
As Olson says (in the full article), cheering in the media center is a no-no, but, fuck me, at least people were there. If access was restricted to only traditional print guys, there would be three people reporting on an event. God only knows what Olson, Cavin and Phillips would do in an empty media center. Gross.
Props to Olson though... he seems like an equal opportunity hater of all media center-types, that are not him. Inclusion is important.
Let’s get right to the point. Sportswriters suck. I don’t mean suck as in they have no talent, but suck as in they have no talent and are utter bores. Hell certainly must be a roomful of sportswriters after the free buffet runs dry. They know it all, of course; just ask them. They’ll be happy to tell you, often with the breath of a yak.
If Ridebuyer follows Olson's argument, he hates most people, not just bloggers. We can respect this.
Strange, we went from not really liking Olson, to being confused by Olson, and now enjoying Olson and his rage. Weird.
Ridebuyer searches the online marketplace for motoring-related awesomeness. In this post, an Indy Car for trips to the grocery store (or for those weekend jaunts to Fire Island). Be the gayest guy you know! Not only street LEAGAL, but sports a CHRYSLER CHASSY.
Remember Aaron Fike? If not, he was the lovable NASCAR Truck Series driver who was arrested while shooting heroin in his car at Kings Island. Until now, the only real noteworthy piece to this story was that he was arrested along with this thing. Jesus.
Needless to say, he had fallen off of the radar since his suspension from NASCAR-sanctioned events. Alas, he has resurfaced in an article appearing in ESPN the Magazine. Pause for dramatic impact. And cue the bombshell. Fike says he shot up on race days. Be forewarned, this will bring many TV commentaries from folks not qualified to report on motor racing, or its drivers. Skip Bayless, this is you.
This "sporting star-romantic interest at game" ploy has been done with varying outcomes in the stick and ball world, but this is a first for motorsports. By Hough merely attending the 500, ripple effects would be felt by Castroneves. But she is preforming. Karma is nothing to be trifled with in the sporting world, and this has the makings of a large, well, trifle. Using two classic stick and ball examples, it's clear that Castroneves will not escape the young lass's song unscathed.
Hough's presence will impact Castroneves in one of two ways:
Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson syndrome will set in, causing Castroneves, distraught at the sight of his quasi-lover, to have a pace lap meltdown similar to this:
The mainstream media creamed over Romo's inability to preform under pressure with his GF in game attendance. Castroneves fans should hope this form of retardation does not befall their dancing inclined racing driver. You may even wish to urge Hough to stay home. We recommend sending her a MySpace message, to deliver your words of angst.
The flip side of the coin leads to sweet success and ultimate triumph.
The Josh Beckett-Danielle Peck syndrome will elevate Castroneves to new levels of performance, all but securing his victory in the Great Race. (This is a more obscure example that stems from the 2007 ALCS when the Cleveland Indians brought an ex-flame of Red Sox's pitcher Josh Beckett to sing the national anthem. The unfazed Beckett threw a gem).
You've got two choices son, the easy way or the Hough way. Hope it works for you Helio.
After much analysis, dissection and, frankly, gushing the reality of Graham Rahal's win Sunday in St. Petersburg is now beginning to set in. The racing clichés have been expelled and discussed ad nauseam, and the self-described experts have all had fair time to chime in regarding the youngster's performance.
Since the dust has settled on the biggest (on-track) IndyCar story of the short season, Ridebuyer feels compelled to take a walk down memory lane. Like the elderly incontinent man who feeds pigeons in the park, we will paint you a picture of days gone by. We are taking a trip back to a simpler time. A time when the McRib captured the imagination of both fat and skinny alike, and where the collective hopes of a nation rested with a humble ex-Governor of Massachusetts named Michael Dukakis. Yes, in honor of young-Rahal's accomplishment, we're going back to the time of our 19th year on earth! Think VH1's "I Love the ___ties" series but with less Hal Sparks.
Here-in no particular order- is the Ridebuyer list of things we were doing when 19 years-old. (Notice winning an IndyCar race is not on the list).
We were:
* Giving homeless people Arby's coupons in exchange for the purchase of Fosters tallboys.
* Lamenting the fact that the latest expansion pack for Microsoft Flight Simulator was a piece of shit and totally not worth $19.95.
* Thinking South Park was hilarious.
* Reading The Catcher in the Rye and completely relating to the plight of Holden Caulfield.
* Smoking Marlboro reds for a week until our jean jacket (complete with Rage Against the Machine patches) started to stink/we ran out of money.
* Thinking about beer.
* Attempting to buy beer.
* Attempting to speak with girls. (Results? Lacking.)
Cheers to you Graham Rahal, you appear to be much cooler and more successful at 19 than any of us were at that age, or could hope to be in the future. Fuck that. Here is gratuitous Homer Simpson video to make us feel better... Just change the lyrics from 17 to 19.
What happened while you were watching the Final Four and thinking, "when do the Masters start? This shit is awful."
* The IndyCar Series hit the streets/runways of St. Petersburg. If qualifying was any indication (it was), Champ Car ex-pats were going to be a force. For Sunday, the rains came, Graham Rahal won, and the world was told a riveting tale about Oriol Servia and his passion for Salvador Dali. Plus, someone at ABC/ESPN thought it would be a good idea to let Brienne Pedigo do the victory lane interview. As per norm, she shit the bed. It was awful. Here are your results. Aside from Rahal, a big props to EJ Viso, finishing p4 for HVM.
*NASCAR's top two divisions were in action at the Texas Motor Speedway. Carl Edwards took Sunday's Cup race, besting Jimmie Johnson, Kyle Busch, Ryan Newman and Denny Hamlin. *It was Kyle Busch who took his first Nationwide event of the season. Watching either race was one non-stop cowboy related cliche, complete with Jeff Hammond in a cowboy hat. Pretty sweet.
* The ALMS was on the streets of St. Pete. Their race was dry. Results. Thumbs up for ABC/ESPN coverage. I hope you like this race, because it will be around for a while longer.
Each week Ridebuyer delves deep into the misunderstood, oft terrifying, world of American saloon-car racing known as NASCAR.
This week: Texas. Where everything is bigger. (And this guy lives.)
TV: Fox 1:30pm EST Location: Texas Motor Speedway (Fort Worth, TX) Distance: 500 miles/334 laps 2007 Texas winners: J. Burton (spring race); J. Johnson (fall race).
*What to know: Fast things happen in Texas. Why? you ask. Because Texas is fucking huge. Have you ever driven anywhere Texas? If you need to get somewhere in that God-forsaken state and happen to find yourself not already in the place you need to be, you're in for a trek. Even the simplest of travel activities can become a death march in Texas. Driving from town to town at anything less than triple-digit speeds is likely to suck the life from your day and spoil any time sensitive plans you were stupid enough to make. A quick drive to the grocery store? Four hours. Need to rent a movie? Two hours to your neighborhood Blockbuster. Looking to score some Rx pills or knockoff purses'? Well, Mexico is surprisingly close (Juarez is less than 30-minutes away from every major city in Texas, if I'm reading this map correctly).
Driving fast is a way of life in Texas. Vast expanses of highway (and no laws to speak of) leads to pickup trucks that barrel down the middle of the road, hell bent on bump drafting your family's AreoStar back to Abilene. If the old adage the speed kills is true, than Texas is full of murderers. Maybe that's the cause of the Texans' infatuation with the death penalty. It could also be the reason why 100,000 fans will pack the Texas Motor Speedway on Sunday for a stockcar race.
The satellite view of the track fails to give a perspective that shows the corner banking. (Because it's a satellite, dumbass) This track features 24-degrees of slope in the corners, making the course the 1.5 mile circuit equivalent of Bristol. To put is in perspective, the now-defunct Champ Car series attempted to race at this track in 2001 but the event had to be canceled after drivers became dizzy and disorientated after weekend practice sessions. Granted, the Champ Cars were lapping the circuit about 40mph faster than a stockcar could ever dream of going, but the track certainly means business. Case in point: See the remains of Michael McDowell's car after Friday's qualifying wreck. Gross.
*Who to watch:
Tony Stewart: Old Smoke has yet to wheel his Camry (the still sounds incredibly gay) into victory lane. His teammates at Joe Gibbs Racing have all managed a tally a win this season, and Stewart is a is likely feeling the itch to join his mates. Stewart his seven career top-10 finishes at Texas Motor Speedway and one victory (fall race, 2006). It's no secret that fast tracks light Stewart's fire. He has to work his way to the front from mid pack (starting 24th) Sunday, but remains a guy to keep an eye on.
Dale Earnhardt Jr.: Junior joins Stewart in the sick group of drivers that seem most adept at racing on fast, high-banked ovals. Atlanta is Earnhardt's favorite track, and that course's similarity to Texas is staggering. He is forth in points going into Sunday's race (the highest of Hendrick Motorsport's four entries), and has a three top five finishes at Texas with one win. Add that to his starting position Sunday-the pole- and we have a clear favorite.
Jeff Burton: The current series' points leader has two career wins at Texas including a 'W' from the last time the Cup guys were in Fort Worth. Burton's lowest finish of the year has been 13th, and he has two straight top five finishes (including a win at Bristol). He starts 35th on Sunday (wait, that's not that too good), but expect him to hook up with Stewart and move from back to front.
*Dark Horse*
Juan Montoya: The foreign-guy starts 11th on Sunday, and has shown speed at Texas in his limited Lone-Star experience. (He has a top-10 in his two career starts and an average finish of 16.5. He qualified third for the fall race last season.) He is, well, a dark horse.
*For those heading to the track:
The Texas Motor Speedway wants you to have fun while at the track. Here is your tailgating information. Pack your cooler and have a gas in the grandstands. For those with hemorrhoid issues, the track does allow ass cushions. George Brett is thankful.
Traffic seems to be an issue around the track, so be prepared to wait whilst waiting to get to the parking lots. Also, some Ridebuyer editors (okay, it was me) had their (my) Dodge Neon rental car hit in the TMS parking lot in 2000 during the IRL race. The bastard drove off. Be advised, Texas race fans are criminals.
Normally the 'Fun with Ebay' portion of RB is reserved for the more ridiculous offerings found on the auction site. Tonight is different. (That is, if you don't find a $1.5 million Maserati located in the UAE ridiculous.)
Get your hair products and spray-on tan ready... The Garden State is about to be home to a world class road racing facility. 
